Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Piece of the Puzzle

 Ever get put in a situation where you suddenly realize you're not the same person that you used to be?  It seems to be happening to me a lot lately.

One such example happened last night.  My church doesn't do a traditional VBS for our own kids, but instead we bus kids from low income neighborhoods to our church and do a VBS for them.  I signed up to help and noticed throughout the night that my involvement looked a whole lot different than it would have a few years ago.  I had a great time and enjoyed working with the kids (I was with the 3-5 year olds so I got lots of little kid love all night!), but I felt almost awkward because I was interacting and approaching things so differently I used to.

Several times over the past couple of months I had this almost startling reaction to situations where I realize how differently they fit me now.  I know that I've changed a lot over the past two years.  I went through some pretty difficult situations and came out of them so altered, but in the best way.  I'm quieter now than I used to be.  I tend to hang back more and not throw myself into situations with the brashness that I did before.  I think a lot of the changes have come about because I'm more at peace--with Christ, with life, with myself.  I think before this big life altering event that happened two years ago, I was loud and crazy and constantly (subconsciously) seeking out people who I thought needed me as a way of compensating for some deep rooted need inside of me.  I constantly thought I had to prove myself and my worth to everyone. I don't feel that way anymore.  And for whatever reason, I'm so much more reserved and less forceful because of it.  And while that is good, it's making it weird for me to find my place in ministry.

I still love kids and students, but I feel so out of place everywhere I go.  I suppose it doesn't really matter where I serve so long as I am serving, but at the same time I know that God equipped me with specific things for specific purposes.  And I have no idea where He wants me right now.  I would love to lead a small group again and am thinking about being a group leader for middle school girls this upcoming year.  Part of me is leery though because I wonder and worry if being a small group leader will feel so different as so many things have this past year that I don't enjoy it.  Of course, serving isn't to satisfy me, but if it's taxing and draining it leads me to believe it's not the place I should be.  I keep praying for wisdom and discernment; I think in my head that I should be serving in a place that seems familiar; but I'm so different now it begs the question of, "Is this still the place for me?"  I can't find my place in this body of Christ anymore!  It's as though I have gone from being a finger to being a kidney or a capillary.  And I don't know what to do with myself.  Combined with all of this is the fact that my health is still so precarious.  I had a long day yesterday because I volunteered for 3 hours after my work day and can I just tell you how much it has affected me physically today?  Am I a 65 year old woman?  Sometimes, it feels like I am.  May God grant me wisdom and patience to wait for it--I long to serve but don't know my place!  What's a girl to do in a situation like this?

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