My friend recently posted this from the Dear Jesus devotional she's reading:
"Real security rests in Me alone; not in Me plus favorable circumstances."
Boom. Truth slapped right across the forehead with that one.
I have had a pretty stressful week; lots of intense moments and I'm dealing with some time constraints that are very real and gosh, things just have not been as smooth as I would want them. And just when I think I'm gone with one hurdle, here comes another.
I tried really hard to trust God through it all. As in Tuesday all I did was keep praying "God help me believe, help me believe, help me believe" over and over and over. Because I'll admit that I did not trust Him. Or, maybe I did trust Him, but I just didn't like the circumstances and wanted him to change them for me. I think that's a more accurate statement. I knew he would be there for me; I just wanted him to be there for me while at the same time cleaning up the mess of life a little bit.
Is that a bad thing to want?
I wish I didn't freak out and panic so much. I am a control freak so having things happen that are outside my control that I then have to deal with, really rattles me. Because let's admit it, a lot of times unfavorable things happen that we juts can't abandon. We have to take the tangled mess and unravel it. We can't quit our jobs because they're stressful or quit relationships when things get messy. We still have responsibilities and obligations that don't go away because of life's mess; they are still very much there and very much a bigger stress tangled than what they were before.
That was my week this week. Dealing with tangled mess and wishing that God would just make it easy and pave a way. I've cried multiple times in the bathroom at work this week. I mean, it was not pretty. Just a flat out, "I have reached my limit of how much stress I can handle" type of thing. Sometimes God moving pieces in place happens just in the nick of time. (Darn-it!). He's been trying to show me this week that my security is in Him and not in things going well. I have lived long enough to discern the difference, but I guess not long enough to still not want them both at the same time.
And I think to myself, "I need to try harder." And really, that's not the answer. I just need to act on what I know, throw the full weight of my tangled mess, stressed out self at him, and let him surround both me and the mess. God is big enough to cover everything. He's good at untangling messes. Even better at showing me that those messes, a lot of times, don't really matter.
At the end of the day, when all other things fall apart, God is still the same. The one and only thing after weeks like this one that I can still count on.