Thursday, September 5, 2013

Job Decription

Sometimes you get frustrated at work and need an outlet.  Last week was horrid, and I was feeling overworked and underappreciated and thought to myself, I wonder how hard it would be to find someone to replace me?  So I typed up my own job description.  Great stress relief and good entertainment value :)

Wanted:  Full time secretary for church to perform the following duties:

  • Answer the phone all the time.  Be nice, even if it's someone who rips you a new one for not driving to Kroger to buy them groceries or someone who is upset that you left your office for exactly 94 seconds to go pee and didn't answer them the first time they called.
  • Deal with vendors.  The majority of these will be ones you don't know are coming and you don't know what they are there to fix because no one will tell you.  
  • Write checks, pay taxes, do reports, enter the budget.  This is harder than you think because even Jesus lovers are a little irrational when it comes to money.  Must be willing to deal with pastors who cannot budget and need a financial babysitter and who think we have money trees growing up behind the baptistry.
  • Post all donations and contributions and mail out end of year reports.  Deal with people who call on April 14th that they can't find theirs and are going to their tax guy in 18 minutes and who demand very rudely that you get it to them right away as they don't have time to wait on you.
  • Handle all membership, contact cards, calendar, facilities and events, walk-ins for food pantry, benevolence, etc.
  • Nag and intimidate pastors into handing over receipts that they have lost and can't remember ever having. Spend hours on the phone with Walgreens headquarters figuring out who charged $4.67 on June 7th to the church visa.  
  • Put postage on everything everyone else needs mailed because even though these men are responsible for the spiritual health of a body of people, they are incapable of learning how to use the postage machine.
  • Must be interested in wildlife as you will encounter all manner of vermin in this building including but not limited to squirrels, mice, and snakes.
  • Perform tasks which others are capable of doing on their own and which fall under their job description and not your own.
  • Ability to lift 200+ pounds when you get tired of certain staff who cannot be reasoned with and you need to hide their body somewhere.  You will probably have assistance with this from coworkers who not only will help but will give you an alibi.  

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