Monday, August 25, 2014

Faith in hard times

It's been a rough week. I got slammed with some nasty virus this weekend that completely put me under. (Hub's comment on how bad I must have felt was this: "You didn't talk Saturday.") Being sick meant that I couldn't make it to this writing workshop that I really, really was excited about going to, and for other reasons I won't get into, it was just a really rough weekend.

Sigh.  And it really hit me because right now I'm in some rough seas of life. I'm desperate to tie up this ship I'm on somewhere, but I can't find land, and the stars I was using to guide me are being blocked by clouds. I'm not getting anywhere. In so many ways. And it has turned me into a big hot mess. I think I just need to buy this and wear it under my clothes.

Maybe I should order one in every color

God's been closing a lot of doors in my face lately. And while I know it's good because He deems it, and because it will lead me to His best, it's still hard to take. Especially when I'm sick because I feel overwhelmed and limited by life tenfold when standing up in the shower makes me nearly black out.

I've been worried and scared and crying out to God to help. And I've been listening to fears and worries and the slamming of all those doors more than anything.

Not today.

Today I plucked God's promises like flowers in a meadow, bound them together -a bouquet of truth-and clutched them to my heart. I breathed in their sweetness and held them close to myself.

Good truth,
I stood in the shower, about to pass out, and proclaimed God's truths - about Himself - His love, His power, His goodness. I declared Him Almighty God of my life, and humbly asked that He give me what I've been asking for.

God is the best type of magic
It's amazing to me (and so humbling) that I can approach the King of the Kings while standing in the shower. That little insignificant me can pierce the fabric between our world and the great Throne Room of God, just to ask Him a question. And that instantly (instantly!) His peace floods over me. And He picks me up and tucks me close to His chest- He tells me that He sees me (not just what I've done wrong, but me-He sees me), and speaks words of love over me. He is the best type of magic. The best truth. The best love. Tuck your head under his chin, and let Him love you.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Dog days of summer

So hubs and I took a trip to his hometown in Central New York a few weeks ago. It was our first time traveling with the dogs. They did great!

Ready to go!

This selfie courtesy of the old fashioned "take it with your camera, then get a cord and upload it" method. Woohoo for dumb phones!

Traveling is exhausting...

Both beds were back there, but they liked sharing, and then throwing their heads out either end. Adorable.

Einstein says: I'll help you drive dad!

"I'm not doing anything. You say I can't come up front, and no, you totally did not see me slowly creep forward so that in a few minutes I will be sitting completely on the console. I am not sly. I am innocent. Don't I look innocent?"

And then we made it to NY! :)

Love those Lake Ontario sunsets!
Love this guy!
And of course, we went to Friendly's for ice cream!

I am very, very serious about my ice cream.

Friday, August 8, 2014

So this -

So yesterday something happened that was a catalyst for a life crisis moment. (What sort of life crisis? I'm not old enough to have a midlife crisis, and too old for a quarter-life crisis. So a third-life crisis? Yes? We'll call it that.)

Anyways, I went for a walk and was praying and realized something about myself. I am a very task oriented person. Not goals per se. But I love making lists and getting things done. Always have. I love being effective and efficient in all that I do. Get things done - this is my motto.

As I was praying yesterday I was telling God how I don't know what my purpose is right now in life. And I think it's because I don't have anything/much on my 'to do for God' list. Before it's always been easy to define.

Lead this small group.
Encourage this person.
Pray for that person.
Disciple this person.

I have applied my "to do list" mentality to my walk with God. And right now, my list of "God things" is really short. And it leaves me struggling with my sense of purpose. With knowing what the heck I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Isn't walking with God enough? Isn't being a wife and loving and serving my husband enough?

It should be.

There is nothing big on my list right now. Dave and I haven't found our place to plug in at church, the circle of people in my life has shrunk to a tiny little crowd (which is fine but again, small pond in which to do God-things). We're not raising kids. I'm a secretary and heavens knows there is no grand sense of purpose in that job.

I know that this is a good lesson; that my sense of purpose isn't meant to be found in what I do, whether it be a job or a relationship or a service or ministry to someone else. My purpose belongs to Christ alone.

I'll say that again: My purpose belongs to Christ alone.

And I want to be ok with the quiet seasons. The seasons that don't feel effective. When there isn't anything grand or redemptive on the list. When I'm not doing much for anybody else, and it's just me and Jesus. Just me and Jesus and day to day life - nothing grand. Or exciting. Or life changing.

I want to be okay in the normal, and in the quiet and small. I want to throw off this compulsion to always be accomplishing or producing for Jesus. Because while growth is indeed important and part of his plan, sometimes his way of accomplishing that is through working a bland job and doing the dishes at night. Through walks with my dogs when I get the chance just to share my heart with the Maker of the world. And listen while He reminds me who He is.

My purpose right now is not being wasted, even though to me and to the world it's not obvious or grand. It's just me living my current life. With Jesus. And it's that last part that makes it meaningful and chock full of purpose. Because without Jesus, even the big moments and important tasks would lose their meaning.

So, all that rambling to say: If you feel like you're in a fruitless season (especially when you compare your life to other people's (and hello, stop doing that!)), take heart. Jesus ordains the seasons of your life. Live fully where you are. Sometimes that means living quiet and boring days. And that's ok. No time, no circumstance, no journey with Christ is wasted.

A friend said this the other day "I know living in Jesus...nothing is wasted."

Well said. Live in Jesus fully today, whether you have something "to do" for Him or not.