So yesterday something happened that was a catalyst for a life crisis moment. (What sort of life crisis? I'm not old enough to have a midlife crisis, and too old for a quarter-life crisis. So a third-life crisis? Yes? We'll call it that.)
Anyways, I went for a walk and was praying and realized something about myself. I am a very task oriented person. Not goals per se. But I love making lists and getting things done. Always have. I love being effective and efficient in all that I do. Get things done - this is my motto.
As I was praying yesterday I was telling God how I don't know what my purpose is right now in life. And I think it's because I don't have anything/much on my 'to do for God' list. Before it's always been easy to define.
Lead this small group.
Encourage this person.
Pray for that person.
Disciple this person.
I have applied my "to do list" mentality to my walk with God. And right now, my list of "God things" is really short. And it leaves me struggling with my sense of purpose. With knowing what the heck I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Isn't walking with God enough? Isn't being a wife and loving and serving my husband enough?
It should be.
There is nothing big on my list right now. Dave and I haven't found our place to plug in at church, the circle of people in my life has shrunk to a tiny little crowd (which is fine but again, small pond in which to do God-things). We're not raising kids. I'm a secretary and heavens knows there is no grand sense of purpose in that job.
I know that this is a good lesson; that my sense of purpose isn't meant to be found in what I do, whether it be a job or a relationship or a service or ministry to someone else. My purpose belongs to Christ alone.
I'll say that again: My purpose belongs to Christ alone.
And I want to be ok with the quiet seasons. The seasons that don't feel effective. When there isn't anything grand or redemptive on the list. When I'm not doing much for anybody else, and it's just me and Jesus. Just me and Jesus and day to day life - nothing grand. Or exciting. Or life changing.
I want to be okay in the normal, and in the quiet and small. I want to throw off this compulsion to always be accomplishing or producing for Jesus. Because while growth is indeed important and part of his plan, sometimes his way of accomplishing that is through working a bland job and doing the dishes at night. Through walks with my dogs when I get the chance just to share my heart with the Maker of the world. And listen while He reminds me who He is.
My purpose right now is not being wasted, even though to me and to the world it's not obvious or grand. It's just me living my current life. With Jesus. And it's that last part that makes it meaningful and chock full of purpose. Because without Jesus, even the big moments and important tasks would lose their meaning.
So, all that rambling to say: If you feel like you're in a fruitless season (especially when you compare your life to other people's (and hello, stop doing that!)), take heart. Jesus ordains the seasons of your life. Live fully where you are. Sometimes that means living quiet and boring days. And that's ok. No time, no circumstance, no journey with Christ is wasted.
A friend said this the other day "I know living in Jesus...nothing is wasted."
Well said. Live in Jesus fully today, whether you have something "to do" for Him or not.