Monday, April 13, 2015

Which is God?

Today I am trying to reconcile Big God and Little God.

Big God is the God of the Old Testament. He is Abraham and Isaac and Jacob’s God. He comes when he comes. He goes when he goes. He loves His people. He is big and terrible and powerful. He speaks from a burning cloud. He turns rivers to blood and makes kings out of nobodies. He opens wombs and conquers lands. He does what He wants, because He is a very big God.

This is my God.

Little God is the God of the New Testament. He is Andrew and Peter and John’s God. He knows their thoughts before they speak it. He knows where to find them. He shares meals with them. He lets them lean on his chest. He makes them breakfast. He loves them. He is personal and loving and involved. He knows details of their lives and works within that.

This is my God.

This feels like two different Gods to me. As though my circumstances and heart right now straddle the distance between Malachi and Matthew. I feel like Little God is absent. Big, fearful, comes-when-he-comes-God rules my life right now. He does what He does. I cannot summon Him to myself. I cannot change His mind. He does what He does.

But Big God and Little God are the same.

Big God comes when He comes, but Little God knows when I get up in the morning. He greets me in the morning and tosses a pink sunrise in the sky right when I left the gym this morning. He whispers things in my ear almost too soft for hearing. He holds me when I cry. He lets me throw things at Him. He never leaves.

But Little God and Big God are the same.

How can that be? How can Big God drown out Little God, and how can Little God seem to contradict Big God? It’s like I can’t them both in my head at the same time. They crowd each other out.

But this my God. 

Big God is my God. 

Little God is my God. 

He is all at once everything, and He all at once seems to cancel Himself out.

Clear as mud? Exactly. My brain is a scary place right now.

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